Anyone who has seen the amazing Jim Henson movie, Labyrinth, tends to walk away from it thinking one thing. That poor baby. I mean, what kind of baby is AWARE it is in a movie and not actually surrounded by goblins? A child’s mind can not separate that what it sees may not be reality, so for the six weeks they shot this film, this baby pretty much thought that his parents were standing off to the side, laughing, all while he was stuck in the clutches of an odd man in spandex, and a bunch of tiny, demonic creatures. Though he has been in and out of institutions most of his adult life, I finally tracked him down and got him to answer a few questions for me. I am withholding his name per his request, and for the safety of all of us. I will refer to him as “baby” here, just because it is funny, but he is actually 26 years old now. Sorry if this gets a little weird, but apparently the film messed him up more than anyone could have predicted.
Remy: First off, I just really want to thank you for sitting down with me and allowing me to ask you som…( at this point, he cuts me off and begins to rub a nickel on my face)
Baby: The only way I will continue this interview is if I can be SURE you are not a goblin. I hope you did your homework and are aware goblin flesh reacts to nickel as if it were caustic, so in seeing you have no reaction to this nickel, you may continue to ask your questions.
Remy: Wait a second,huh? Wh..what?
Baby: Ah, you do seem disoriented by the nickel, so maybe I was too quick to assume your innocence. ARE THINE A GOBLIN? I ASK IN THE NAME OF JARETH!?
(it must be noted at this point that I was not sure if he was fucking with me, or was batshit insane, but it seemed to be leaning toward the latter)
Remy: I am not a goblin, dude, what the fuck kind of question is that??!!!
When you see what he was dealing with as an infant, it is easy to see why he has post traumatic stress disorder as an adult.
Baby: Ah, you answer me, yet you answer with a question, as if to redirect me. WHAT MAGIC IS THOU HIDING FROM ME!!!!
Remy: Listen dude, I am a guy, a human-person. I just wanted to ask you what it was like to work with David Bowie and Jim Henson in Labyrinth. I am beginning to fully realize the experience must have been terribly traumatizing for you, and am also thinking that, perhaps talking about it will help you a bit. To prove it to you, that there were no real goblins and it was all just make-believe, I want you to watch this scene, from another movie starring the girl who played your big sister in the film, Jennifer Connelly. This will prove she is NOT your sister, and it is all just one big game of make-believe that you have never quite broken free from.
*Puts this clip on:
As soon as it put it on, he curled up into the fetal position, and I realized this was very poorly thought out on my part.
Baby: They got her, I can’t believe it, they got her, after all those years of her running and hiding. Never have I imagined the goblins capable of something THAT evil, but seeing that, I know. The won. My God, they won….(tears begin to fall from his eyes)
Remy: No, No, she is fine, that is a movie called Requiem For A Dream, I swear she is doing okay, it was a character she was playing. She is perfectly sane and normal! Here, I will pull something up on Youtube, relax, I promise…
Thank Ghandi he was there in time.
Baby: Wait, what was going on, was she just trying to kill herself….
REMY: Wait, wait, I can fix this…I SWEAR….
That awkward moment when you realize Jennifer Connelly made no “normal” movies.
Baby: MY EYESSSSSSSSS, THEY BURRRRRRN….Why are you doing this, GOBLIIINNNNN????!!!!!
Remy: THEY ARE MOVIES, MAN, JUST MOVIES!!! I swear! She just kinda plays “dress up” and stuff, and that is what happened with you in Labyrinth. I find it hard to believe your parents never informed you of any of this.
Baby: I have not spoken to my parents since they left me with Jareth and did nothing to find me. That is a sin you can not forgive or forget. There are nights I wake up, still, and I swear I can hear them, under my bed, giggling and cackling, waiting to take me off to that dreaded kingdom that sometimes had dead ends that were just big paintings.
Remy: Yes, that is what I am talking about. The paintings, yes, good! That was a movie set. None of that was real. It was all a place that was fabricated. Even the goblins and creatures, none of those were real, either. You never noticed they were puppets?
“Man, this is the best orgy EVER!”
Baby: I know not what this puppet is you speak of, but I did see the man-servants, walking under the creatures, forced to keep their hands up the asses off the goblins to manually pump their hearts as a life sentence. I am pretty sure it is one of the layers of Hell from Dante’s Inferno. Level 6, I think.
Remy: Yeah, it’s not that, actually. Those guys are called “puppeteers” and they are amazing artists and storytellers, who build the goblins you saw, and manipulated them so convincingly using hand motions and strange voices. At no points were any hands in any actual asses. I can prove it. (pulls out a sock puppet and start doing a puppet show for him)
Baby: Abominationnnn!!! (Begins punching my hand in the face repeatedly)
So every single thing I have done so far in this interview has triggered a PTSD episode. Wow, I suck at this.
Remy: (Pulls off sock to show hand, now broken and bloodied) See, it’s my fucking hand, my hand!!! Oh my God, my hand?….*I begin sobbing
Baby: Wait a second, that is what they were doing the whole time? Seriously?
Remy: Yes! Jesus, yes, this is what I’ve been trying to tell you.
Baby: What about the ones that had no hands up their asses? The bigger ones, like Hoggle?
Remy: No, Hoggle was a puppet and a robot, actually, kind of. And a midget in a costume. Wait, I have a pic of him….
This is what I imagine Robocop’s balls must look like.
Baby: Good God and Mother mercy, what have they done to him? Torn his skin from his face, lined him with nickel to prevent goblinization? I have seen the face of Hell itself and gazed into its darkest abyss….
Remy: Oh shit (just when we were starting to make progress, too) Look away! I forgot they left Hoggle in a suitcase for twenty years to rot. I am so sorry, this is NOT going how I planned at all. You know, the more I think about it, this all might have been as fucked up as you remember it, dude. I’m sorry you had to go through that. That is a twisted world to toss a baby into. Literally, too. At one point, Bowie was tossing you WAY the fuck up in the air. Jesus, and all this time I was jealous of you.
Baby: Remy, it was Hell. Is Hell. You never leave a place like that. And even after all we have talked about, it is like there is one elephant in the room neither of us dare speak of. But I need to…
Remy: I knew this was coming. It’s okay, take your time…
Baby: I have one memory far more terrifying than any of the others. It haunts me every time I close my eyes. It is like the very image tattooed itself onto the insides of my eyelids and the very fiber of my subconscious, and I cannot unsee and unthink it. Please Remy, tell me, tell me that wasn’t really David Bowie’s pecker? At all times, clear as day, twisted and turned in his mandex-spandex? Tell me that part is a nightmare in my head, please??? PLEASE!!?
Any scene with Hoggle seems to have two hoggles in it, if you get my drift.
Remy: Sadly, that is the one thing that haunts us all about that movie, buddy. That was 100% Bowie. And for whatever reason, it was a very prominent character in the film. Truth be told, they even recreated Bowie-cock for the action figure. Here, I got you one long before I knew you were crazy….
Bad Joke in 3…2….1…Ground control to major dong.
Sadly, as soon as I handed the toy to him, he died. He LITERALLY died. He made the face like the girl they found in the closet in the movie The Ring, and he died.
The messed up part, the video from The Ring is actually a VHS copy of Labyrinth. And she is holding a Jareth doll there, if you look real close.
I have to say, I feel terrible about the turn of events that transpired today, but I blame the goblins. You can hear them, too, right? Under my bed, giggling. I better go get some nickels.
The post Balls and Bowie: My Interview With The Baby From Labyrinth appeared first on Remy Carreiro.
